When it comes to relationships, we all want to feel safe, seen, and understood. But sometimes, the way we connect with others leaves us feeling anxious, shut down, or stuck in painful cycles. Our best attempts to avoid pain can actually lead to more disconnection. That’s where attachment theory comes in.
Your attachment style is the set of behaviors you developed, usually in childhood, for how you bond with others and respond to the threat of disconnection. It influences how you respond to closeness, conflict, and emotional needs in romantic relationships, friendships, and even work dynamics.
Understanding your attachment style is a powerful step toward healthier, more secure relationships with the people who matter the most to you.
In this post, we’ll explore the four main attachment styles, how they show up in adult relationships, and what to do with this insight (download my free Attachment Style Guide to identify your own!).
What Is My Attachment Style?
Attachment styles aren’t labels meant to box you in or describe your personality. Instead, they offer a compassionate way to understand your patterns and what shaped them.
The term “attachment style” specifically corresponds to how you deal with stress in relationships. While they originate early in life, we often repeat them unconsciously in adult relationships. Here are the four categories of attachment strategies.
Secure Attachment
People with a secure attachment style generally feel comfortable with closeness and independence. They’re able to express needs, listen to others, and trust that they are worthy of love, even when challenges arise.
Signs of secure attachment:
- You trust others but don’t depend on them for self-worth
- You feel okay being alone and connected
- You can express needs without guilt
- You don’t assume conflict means rejection.
What helps this style form:
- Caregivers who were reliably responsive and emotionally available (at least about 30% of the time)
Insecure- Anxious Attachment
Those with anxious attachment tend to crave closeness but worry about being too much and therefore, abandoned. This style often leads to overthinking, people pleasing, and a constant need for reassurance.
Signs of anxious attachment:
- You worry your partner will lose interest or leave
- You often feel “too much” or not good enough
- You overanalyze texts, tone, or silence
- You may sacrifice your needs to keep the peace
Where this comes from:
- Often rooted in inconsistent or unpredictable caregiving- sometimes emotional needs were met, other times ignored- leading to uncertainty about love and connection
Insecure- Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant individuals value independence and often feel overwhelmed by emotional closeness. They may withdraw during conflict or downplay their own needs to avoid vulnerability.
Signs of avoidant attachment:
- You need space when things get emotional
- You may feel annoyed or suffocated by partner’s needs
- You struggle to ask for help or express emotion
- You tend to minimize hurt or brush off conflict
Where this comes from:
- Typically develops when caregivers were emotionally distant, critical, or overwhelmed, leading the child to learn that relying on others wasn’t safe or worth the risk
Insecure- Disorganized
Disorganized attachment is often rooted in early relational trauma or inconsistent caregiving. It can include a mix of both anxious and avoidant behaviors. People with this style may long for intimacy but fear it at the same time, often because they received both comfort and abuse from early caregivers.
Signs of disorganized attachment:
- You feel confused in relationships, swinging between clinginess and distance
- You don’t trust others or yourself
- You may sabotage closeness or feel constantly on edge and exhausted
- Emotional reactions feel intense and unpredictable
Where this comes from:
- Often linked to a history of trauma, abuse, or fear-based caregiving, where the person you relied on for safety was also a source of fear or emotional harm
Attachment Style PDF
Ready to explore your attachment style in more depth?
Download our free Attachment Style Guide! A sleek, easy-to-read resource that outlines each style with examples, signs, and first steps toward healing with journal prompts included.
👉 Click here to download the Attachment Style PDF
Whether you’re anxious, avoidant, secure, or somewhere in between, understanding your attachment style is a courageous and empowering first step toward the relationships you want and deserve.
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