If you’ve ever felt emotionally pulled in two directions, it’s not because you’re crazy or indecisive- it’s because you, like all of us, have parts.
Maybe you’ve noticed that a part of you wants to speak up, but a part of you prefers to avoid conflict. A part of you longs to pursue closeness, but another part has been hurt by rejection and prefers to be alone.
These internal conflicts are not simply indecision or irrational thoughts. According to Internal Family Systems (IFS), they are the voices of different “parts” of you, each with its own history, role, and intention.
Just like external families have members with different roles, ideas, beliefs, and fears, we all have an internal system as part of our psyche with different subpersonalities or “parts,” all of which aim to protect you.
Some are loud and seek control, while others are hidden and wounded. At the core of this system of your mind is your Self– a calm, compassionate presence that can help lead and heal these parts.
What Are Parts In IFS?
Internal Family Systems in an evidence based method of therapy. Rather than fighting against thoughts and urges, it works with the parts of you that hold these urges to determine their true function.
On the other side of negative emotions are unmet needs. By tuning into this information, you can quiet urges and thoughts by meeting the underlying needs, rather than trying to force them away (which usually doesn’t work).
For example, instead of trying to suppress the urge to withdraw during conflict, you might discover it’s a protective part trying to keep you safe from rejection. Instead of fighting the part of you that wants to disengage, you can offer it support and validation (i.e., “even if this does not go well, I will be safe and can take care of myself“).
Understanding your parts is not about blaming, shaming, or labeling yourself. It’s about building a more compassionate relationship with your inner world.
Your protectors developed for a reason- there are no bad parts, only parts that have been burdened into extreme roles. And your Self, the truest, most core part of you, knows exactly how to help your system heal.
Managers: The Proactive Parts
Managers are proactive parts that try to keep life in order and prevent pain. They’re the inner critics, perfectionists, planners, pleasers, and avoiders. They usually developed early in life and work hard to manage how the world sees you and how you see yourself.
Examples of manager parts:
- The voice that says “don’t speak up, you’ll sound stupid”
- The part that overthinks every text you send
- The version of you that keeps the peace to please others, even when you’re boiling inside
What they’re protecting: Often, these parts are trying to keep more vulnerable parts of you from getting triggered. They want to keep matters “safe” and predictable.
Firefighters: The Reactive Parts
When exiles do get activated, firefighters jump in to put out the emotional fire in reaction. These parts are focused on relief at any cost. They may push you to overeat, binge-watch shows, pick fights, scroll endlessly, or numb with substances to escape the current discomfort you feel.
Examples of firefighter parts:
- The part that says “screw it” and pours a drink after a hard conversation
- The urge to shut down or disappear when you feel rejected
- The impulse to lash out when you feel unseen or hurt
What they’re protecting: Firefighters are trying to distract from or soothe the deep emotional wounds under the surface. Their methods may not be sustainable in the long-term, but their goal is to help you survive intense emotion in the short-term, at any cost.
Exiles: The Wounded Parts
Exiles are parts of you that carry pain, shame, fear, or heartbreak from earlier in life (similar to attachment injuries). They often formed during overwhelming and traumatic experiences. They hold memories, emotions, and beliefs that were too much to handle at the time.
Because exiles carry such vulnerability and pain, managers and firefighters work hard to keep them buried deep inside you. But they’re still there longing to be seen and healed, even if you do your absolute best to keep them tucked away.
Examples of exiled parts:
- A young part that feels unloved or not good enough
- A tender part that still holds grief from a past loss
- A scared part that fears abandonment if you’re not perfect
What Is The Self In IFS?
In IFS, the Self is not a part. Instead, it’s the core essence of who you are. It’s calm, curious, compassionate, and confident (i.e., the 8 C’s of Internal Family Systems Therapy).
When you access your Self, you can witness your parts without becoming them. You don’t need to get rid of parts- you just lead them differently.
From a spritiual perspective, the Self is the seer of the other parts as well as your emotions and thoughts.
For example, instead of your inner critic running the show, your Self stepping in might look like slowing down to ask yourself: What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t do your job?
How to Recognize and Work With Your Parts
Here are a few tips to help you begin noticing and gently working with your parts:
Notice Your Inner Voices
When you’re stuck in overthinking, people-pleasing, or avoidance, pause and ask: What part of me is showing up right now? What is it afraid of?
Instead of shaming the part and trying to shut it down, get curious. Often, that part believes it’s protecting you from being rejected, hurt, or overwhelmed.
Look for Extreme Responses
If a reaction feels big or automatic, and out of proportion with the current moment (e.g., yelling, shutting down, or spiraling into self-doubt) it’s likely a part trying to protect you based on its knowledge from past experiences.
Ask yourself: What might this part be trying to stop me from feeling?
Separate From Your Thoughts
Just because you have a thought doesn’t mean it represents all of who you are. Instead, it’s likely coming from one part of you, and that part of you is available and open to healing and growing.
Separating from your thoughts helps you create space to observe your inner world with curiosity rather than being swept up in the emotion of a single part.
Bring in Self-Energy
Imagine offering comfort to the part, like you would to a child or close friend. You can say (internally): I see you’re trying to protect me. Thank you. You don’t have to do this alone anymore. I can manage some discomfort and take care of myself.
This opens the door to healing and more mindful reactions- not by silencing parts, but by leading them with care.
Work with A Therapist
If you’re curious about exploring this deeper, working with an IFS-informed therapist can be a powerful next step.
Reach out to explore how IFS can support you (e.g., IFS Therapy for Anxiety, IFS Therapy for Depression,
IFS vs CBT).
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