In a perfect world, all parents and caregivers would provide their children with everything they need — physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Unfortunately, we all know we’re not living in that world. Far too often, the basic needs of children aren’t met, even with the best efforts and intentions of parents.
While most of us understand the immediate negative impact a lack of physical needs can create, unmet mental and emotional needs can leave lasting scars that can impact a person for years to come.
These unmet childhood needs can especially cause problems in adult relationships. Let’s take a closer look at the lasting impact of unmet childhood needs and what you can do to take control if they’re affecting your life now.
How Adult Relationships are Affected by Unmet Childhood Needs
Attachment Styles
One of the biggest issues people with unmet childhood needs deal with is attachment problems. Again, in an ideal world, every child would grow up with secure attachment, which would lead to healthy relationships in adulthood. But, that isn’t always the case.
Caregivers who don’t meet a child’s emotional needs can contribute to the child forming an insecure attachment style.
As an adult, someone with an anxious, avoidant, or insecure attachment style might be unaware that they are damaging their relationships. Some might have a fear of abandonment, so they’re constantly needing reassurance from their partner. Others might have problems with emotional intimacy or getting close to people because they’re worried they’ll get hurt.
Attachment styles are incredibly important for relationships. Without that sense of security from a young age, you’re likely to try to fill some kind of missing piece with your adult relationships, leading to an unhealthy balance.
Self-Esteem Issues
It should come as no surprise that if your emotional needs aren’t met as a child, your sense of self-worth is likely to suffer.
Children need to be validated. They need to understand that their feelings matter, and they need to feel seen and heard.
If that doesn’t happen, you’re likely to seek constant approval from your partner as an adult. Unfortunately, you’re prone likely to “settle” when it comes to relationships because you don’t feel like you deserve someone who validates you and makes you feel good about yourself. This can put you at risk of an emotionally or even physically abusive relationship.
Communication Problems
Communication is essential when you’re in a healthy relationship. But, those with unmet childhood needs might have a hard time opening up. Vulnerability can be difficult for anyone, but especially someone who didn’t have their feelings validated at a young age.
Without openness and honesty, a relationship can struggle. There’s a greater chance of miscommunication, and trust issues may develop.
It’s not uncommon for adults with unmet childhood needs to already struggle with trust. You might think the smallest negative interaction with your partner means they’re about to leave you or they don’t want you anymore. A lack of healthy communication only adds fuel to that fire.
Learning effective communication skills can help partners alleviate the stress and tension that result from speaking from places of defense and protection.
Negative Patterns
As you can see, there are plenty of issues that can impact your relationship if you have unmet childhood needs.
If you feel like you’re always looking for a new relationship because the last one failed, consider some common qualities you tend to look for. Do you have a specific “type,” and are those people good for your well-being?
You might be susceptible to falling into negative relationship patterns, either by choosing people who aren’t good for you, or self-sabotaging within the relationship every time things get too serious.
The good news is, it’s never too late to start righting the ship. If you feel your adult relationships are consistently impacted by unmet childhood needs, don’t hesitate to contact me for couples counseling.
We’ll dig deeper into your childhood experience, and work on strategies that will help you enjoy healthy relationships today.
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