Breaking up can be of the hardest relationship experiences we face. Untangling from someone you’ve grown to know fully and love- even if things aren’t working- is deeply painful.
Relationships can end for many reasons, even when love is still there. And after a breakup, emotions understandably run high. You may feel sadness, anger, relief, or loneliness. But regret after breaking up can feel especially confusing.
Regret can make you question your decision. It can lead to overthinking, self-blame, and ruminating in decisions, leaving you stuck in the past and in the discomfort.
In this post, I’ll explain why you might feel regretful after a breakup. I’ll also share how therapy can help you understand your feelings and move forward.
Is It Normal To Feel Regret After Breaking Up?
Of course. It’s normal to feel regretful and uncertain after such an impactful decision. Break ups typically result in significant changes to our most basic sense of normalcy, altering our social circles, support system, and more.
Importantly, regret doesn’t always mean you made the wrong choice. In any significant life transition, we often find ourselves in free fall for a bit of time before we feel steady again. The uncertainty can be uncomfortable, which could make you want to run back into familiar territory, even if deep down you know the relationship is not right.
Regret often means you had a strong attachment to your partner. Humans are social creatures that crave connection. When we lose it, it’s natural to feel pain.
Yet, pain does not necessarily mean that you are making the wrong choice. You might feel regret after breaking up because:
- You miss parts of the relationship that felt safe or familiar
- You grieve the future you imagined together
- You feel lonely and vulnerable
Regret is actually part of the healing process. Regret shows you cared and are taking this transition seriously. It shows your relationship and your memories mattered to you.
How Do You Know If You Regret Breaking Up?
Rumination
You replay conversations or choice points in your mind over and over. You wonder “what if” and how things could have gone differently.
These thoughts often come from a part of you that wants to protect you. It wants to prevent getting hurt again in the future by making sure you are aware of all the signs that lead to the end of the relationship.
Missing The Good Parts
You think about moments of joy, safety, or connection. You reflect in sadness how uniquely connected to this person you were.
Remember, missing those moments doesn’t always mean you should go back. It means you valued those experiences. Even if love was true, not all two people are compatible for effective, long-term, healthy relationships.
Questioning Yourself
As you reflect on the past, you begin to question if you did all you could to make the relationship work.You ask yourself: “Did I give up too soon?””Will I ever find someone else?”.
These questions reflect fear and uncertainty, not failure. Similarly, they reflect a part of you that does not want you to be hurt, abandoned, and alone. When these thoughts arise, take a deep, cleansing breath. Remind yourself that the post-break up pain is temporary and that you are safe and secure, even without a partner.
Keeping Tabs On Your Ex
In the world of social media, break ups can be especially challenging. Clean breaks that offer you a chance to heal, grieve, and reset can be harder to obtain with an internet that gives you a continued window in your ex’s life.
If you find yourself keeping tabs on your ex, know that it’s normal to be curious. Yet, the best opportunity you can offer yourself is a refocus onto your own healing and values.
How To Get Over Regret Of Breaking Up With Someone
Regret after breaking up can feel overwhelming and all-consuming. However, if you make room to feel your feelings and learn from the pain, there is healing on the other side.
Here are some tools to help you understand your feelings and create new patterns.
Feel Your Emotions
Let yourself feel sadness, anger, or fear. Suppressing or numbing emotions can actually prevent you from ever feeling the deep pain and moving on.
Once you learn how to stop suppressing emotions, you can clear way for the natural grief process.
Notice Self-Protection
You may notice that as you work toward healing, parts of you still feel regret. Often, these protective parts fear rejection or loneliness and want to pull you back into “safety” to keep you away from pain.
Meeting these parts with curiosity can help calm them down. Instead of trying to numb or quiet your thoughts, simply observe them and consider, “I wonder how this part of me is trying to protect me.” Then, you can remind yourself that you are a strong adult and that you do not need to run away from pain.
Reflect On The Relationship
Write down the healthy parts of the relationship. This could include memories, shared friend groups, and areas that you felt you communicated well.
Also, be honest with yourself and list what didn’t work. Write about how you would like a different partner to show up differently, and how you would like to show up differently in a future relationship. This balanced view can help you to stop idealizing the past and accept the current situation.
Self-Care
Care for your body and mind. Take more care of yourself than you normally would through this experience of grief and pain. Make sure to balance out rest, movement, nourishing food, and supportive connection. You may even be inclined to say “yes” to opportunities you would have passed on while you were in a relationship.
This self-care routine helps settle your nervous system. When your body feels safe and cared for, regret will not so easily take over your thoughts and energy.
Reset Your Values
Reflect on what matters most to you in a healthy relationship and how you want to show up moving forward. Often, differences in values that cannot be changed contribute to reasons a couple breaks up.
Clarifying your core values gives you a chance to intentionally decide what is important to you and in a future partner. Think about concepts like family, career, loyalty, and trust, and how you would like to prioritize your values in your next relationship.
Get Support
Breakups are can be intensely painful. Yet, you don’t have to manage the entire journey alone.
Therapy provides a safe space to explore your story and emotions. A relationship therapist can help you learn how to deal with breakup pain in a healthy way. Once processed, you can heal, learn from and leave that relationship in the past, and look forward.
Look Forward
Begin to engage in activities that energize and inspire you. Create space for new possibilities to move forward from the past. Activities like creating exercise or fitness goals, traveling to a new destination, or building out other healthy lifestyle habits can motivate you for a satisfying life moving forward.
This mindset shift moves your energy toward growth, making it easier to let go of the breakup regret and rebuild a sense of purpose.
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