Have you never been in the midst of a conflict and caught yourself questioning, am I asking too much, or are my expectations in this relationship realistic? You might notice moments where your needs aren’t being met. For example, your partner goes out for “friends night” when you haven’t been on a date in months. Yet, you question whether it’s reasonable to expect more.
When we are unclear about relationship expectations, we can be left feeling confused, frustrated, and even a little bit “crazy”. How do we know if we are asking for too much, or if our partners are simply dropping the ball? How can we facilitate effective communicate about these needs?
Setting expectations can help keep partners on the same page. However, it’s not uncommon for expectations that once worked to become unreasonable or unachievable over time. Likewise, not having needs for connection met can cause severe distress and resentment.
This post is going to cover realistic expectations in relationships to help you explicitly define them, figure out if they are fair, and communicate them clearly.
Realistic Expectations In A Relationship
It’s normal for your expectations to be different from your partner’s. Plus, it’s reasonable for your relationship expectations to change over time.
We’re going to talk about what expectations are, how to make sure they are reasonable, and some examples.
What Does Having Realistic Expectations In A Relationship Mean?
Generally speaking, relationship expectations are the beliefs or assumptions we hold about how partners behavior and treat one another. They reflect the core values of the individuals in terms of acting like the best version of the people and partners they wish to be.
These expectations are often left unspoken. Yet, to function effectively, partners should define these beliefs with one another to ensure they hold a similar set of values.
In addition to personal values, these expectations can come from culture (e.g., the ways one saw others treated in their family), past relationships, or attachment styles.
How To Have Realistic Expectations In A Relationship
To prevent disappointment, some people believe it’s best to not have any expectations at all. If you don’t expect anything, then you can protect yourself from being hurt if a partner were to fall short.
However, expectations actually provide clarity and strengthen relationships. Healthy relationships have expectations and boundaries. They help partners know what the other needs from them, which guides mutual understanding, and helps both partners to feel valued and secure.
As with most mental health and relationship concepts, the key is flexibility. We want to respect ourselves enough to expect that our partners honor our needs and boundaries, yet offer flexibility if best attempts and good intentions fall short on delivery every once in a while. This flexibility actually allows for growth and repairing conversations, making partners more connected and resilient over time.
Perfection is never a realistic expectation. Here are some ways to identify and manage expectations in a relationship.
Identify Your Needs
Relationships are hard work that comes with the rewards of having certain needs met. Take time to feel emotions that arise in relationship dynamics or conflict. Negative emotions hold important information about our needs.
For example, if you notice that you feel anxious when your partner does not check in with you all day, consider what this anxiety might be communicating to you. Perhaps a conversation about this anxiety and a need for reassurance would lead to discovery of a workable expectation for both you and your partner.
Positive requests are also important here. Rather than only pointing out what feels like a breach of your boundary, challenge yourself to identify what behaviors from your partner would meet your needs.
Communicate Often
Mind reading, or expecting your partner to know your needs without communicating with them, is not fair. While we might assume that others hold our beliefs, the reality is that we were all raised in different communities, faiths, and family cultures. These differences can lead to unspoken assumptions about how we are supposed to behave in relationships.
Instead of assuming, communicate when you notice you have needs going unmet. Be honest about your values in a relationship and create a dynamic where you can check in with one another without defensiveness.
Approach Collaboratively
Relationships are two ways. Approach the process of defining expectations in a collaborative manner.
Once you and your partner each identify your needs, have a conversation about what you’ve discovered about yourself. Discuss together ways that you can work to meet one another’s expectations that are reasonable for each other.
For example, it might not be reasonable for your partner to check in every hour during the work day. Yet, checking in once a day at lunch fulfills your need for reassurance and prevents disruption of the partner’s work responsibilities.
Find solutions together. When you work collaboratively, you will find the best and most creative compromises to meet one another’s needs.
Have Empathy For Your Partner’s Perspective
Remember that expectations go both ways! Part of a secure attachment relationship is knowing that you can access and rely on your partner when you need them. The other half of that is showing up in an engaged and present manner when your partner needs you.
Take your partner’s needs seriously and make a commitment to prioritizing showing them that their needs matter to you. When these exercises feel balanced, each partner is much more likely to get their needs met.
Also consider places where there may be a gap between your “ideal” need and the capacity they are able to give you. See if you can work together to compromise, keeping their perspective in mind.
Adapt As Things Change
Expectations in a relationship change over time. The behaviors that felt important when you were first dating might not mean as much when you are married, which will inevitably shift again when you have children.
Create patterns of open dialogue with you and your partner. Don’t assume that just because the expectations worked during one chapter of your relationship will mean that is enough forever. Continue to check in one another and sharing the evolution of your needs as your lives change.
Self Reflect
Be honest with yourself. Are your needs reasonable? Do you have unrealistic expectations? Do they come from a place of searching for safety and connection? Or do they come from a place of mistrust and control?
The more you can ask yourself whether expectations feel fair and realistic, the more your partner will feel respected and motivated to meet your needs.
Attend Therapy
A neutral third party couples therapist can help to guide you and your partner in defining expectations.
Therapy provides a structured space to identify unspoken, and sometimes even unconscious expectations. You’ll also learn to improve communication skills and develop healthy ways to express needs and navigate conflicts when they go unmet.
What Are Realistic Expectations In A Relationship?
While your own expectations are going to come from within you, here are some examples to guide your reflection. Remember, high expectations are okay.
The key is to offer flexibility and to communicate with your partner so you can agree on these expectations together. Healthy expectations are flexible and clearly communicated.
- Respect– refraining from name-calling and abusive language, even in the heat of an argument
- Self Regulation– responsibility to regulate our own “big” emotions so we can show up grounded to difficult conversations
- Communication– ongoing and regular check ins to maintain your connection and give one another a place to feel heard and understood
- Trust and Honesty– be truthful and open about important topics- especially your emotions
- Benefit of The Doubt– even when partners fall short, they assume that their intentions are pure and their care for one another is genuine and alive
- Boundaries (what are examples of healthy boundaries in a relationship)- boundaries with others outside your relationship to protect your connection (e.g., information shared with friends or family)
- Sharing Responsibilities– not expecting your partner to carry all of the logistical or mental load without support
- Supportive Care– knowing your partner will be accessible and responsive when you need them (the foundation of a secure attachment relationship)
- Quality Time– setting aside time to nurture your bond to promote connection and shared meaning
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