Everyone wants to love and be loved. In fact, Sue Johnson (the creator of EFT- the leading therapy method for couples) teaches that love is not merely a nicety but a basic human need and the “cornerstone of human happiness”.
When you meet someone who shows you affection and makes you feel excited and alive, it can feel rejuvenating and exhilarating. But if we move too fast, sometimes what looks like deep, genuine interest is actually something else: love bombing.
Love bombing often starts with intense admiration, flattery, and constant contact. At first, it feels like true love and makes you feel uniquely special. But over time, it can become a way for the ‘love bomber’ to gain control and pull you into an unhealthy relationship that only focuses on their own needs. By contrast, lasting love grows more slow and steady. It prioritizes compassion, individuality, respect, and security.
Identifying whether your situation is love bombing vs genuine interest in the early days when emotions are high is not always easy. Yet, if you do keep an eye out for unhealthy patterns, you can avoid the unnecessary emotional abuse that can follow with love bombing.
In this post, we’ll guide you through the difference between the two, how to recognize signs of love bombing, and how to protect yourself while building a healthy relationship.
Love Bombing Vs Genuine Interest
As a licensed therapist, I’m going to cover:
- What love bombing actually means
- How it looks and feels in real life
- The difference between love bombing vs genuine interest
- How to tell the two apart before you feel overwhelmed or trapped in the ‘devaluation phase’
- Practical steps you can take to set boundaries and protect yourself
Whether you’ve been swept off your feet recently or you’re supporting a friend, this post will inform you on healthy relationship characteristics rooted in relationship science.
What Is The Difference Between Love Bombing And Genuine Interest?
At the start of a relationship, it’s normal for love to be exciting and all consuming. As a result, love bombing and genuine interest can look similar: lots of attention, frequent communication, and excitement about being together. The key differences lie in the intent and pace.
- Love bombing is about intensity, control, and creating dependency by winding someone tightly into a relationship
- Genuine interest is about curiosity, care, letting connection grow over time, and authentic care about one another’s needs
In the sections below, I’ll break down what each looks like in detail.
What Is Love Bombing?
Love bombing is a manipulative tactic where someone overwhelms you with affection, grand gestures, and constant attention at the start of a relationship. The goal is to make you feel uniquely chosen and create quick attachment so the love bomber can later gain control.
Over time, the behavior shifts into the devaluation phase, where the same partner who once showered you with affection begins withdrawing, criticizing, or making you feel guilty for attending to other needs or relationships. This cycle can leave you questioning your worth and whether your relationship is in the territory of emotional abuse.
I want to note that love bombing isn’t always malicious or coming from an intentionally manipulative place. Often, these anxious and clinging behaviors are rooted in fear. A person may not know how else to connect, so they pour on affection or attention as a way to keep closeness and avoid losing someone. They may not believe they are worthy of steady love, so they try to get ahead by showering the other with grand gestures, hoping it will keep them partnered and “safe”. Underneath, it can be driven by anxiety or insecurity rather than an intent to control.
What Does Love Bombing Look Like?
Here are common signs of love bombing:
- Dramatic mood swings and becoming triggered over minor things
- Excessive grand gestures early in the relationship (e.g., lavish gifts, surprise trips, or constant texts, declarations of love)
- Gestures that feel too fast and intense
- Endless compliments that feel a little good to be true and don’t actually make you feel seen
- Pressure to commit quickly (moving in, saying “I love you,” or making big plans right away)
- Over-involvement in your life and wanting to know where you are constantly
- Making you feel guilty if you set limits or want space
Again, these types of behaviors are often driven by insecure parts rather than a calculated plan to manipulate. What looks like overwhelming affection on the outside may actually be a protective mechanism part trying to hold on to connection at any cost, which later shifts as the relationship progresses.
What Does Genuine Love Mean?
Genuine love is steady, respectful, and rooted in curiosity and care about who you are as a person. Instead of trying to take up all the space in your life, true love makes space for your individuality.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (the leading method of relationship therapy) defines genuine love as a secure bond. These are relationships where partners grow to know each other in a steady way and learn to become reliable sources of support and comfort for each other. Secure bond relationships also mean that each person takes responsibility for regulating themselves rather than expecting the other to resolve their emotions, though they offer each other comfort when needed.
What Does Genuine Love Feel Like?
Here are some signs of true love and genuine interest:
- Consistency. The pace feels steady and manageable
- They don’t idealize you one day and ignore you the next
- Feeling safe and accepted for who you are
- Respect for your healthy boundaries
- Freedom to foster your independence- hobbies, friends, and family
- A balance of giving and receiving attention
- Open, honest conversations where you feel heard
- They don’t make meaning of mistakes or miscommunication
- They don’t use weaknesses against you
These behaviors are rooted in secure attachment and Self-lead (i.e., 8 C’s of IFS Therapy) partners. Instead of rushing to prove worth or attach to another to feel safe, it shows up consistently over time. Secure love doesn’t need to overwhelm or convince. Instead, it builds through reliability, healthy boundaries, care, and respect.
How To Tell If It’s Love Bombing Or Genuine Interest
Notice The Pace
Love bombing moves fast. Too fast. It’s easy to get swept up into the excitement, thrill, and hope of something new, but you can usually tell if things are moving faster than they should. Genuine interest allows space for comfort and growth. Moving too fast is a red flag.
Pay Attention To Boundaries
A love bomber may ignore limits and even make you feel guilty for setting them. Genuine interest respects when you set boundaries for dating and encourages you to stay connected to your support system and your sense of self outside the relationship.
Look At Their Response to “No”
If you decline a request, do they guilt trip you? Or do they respect your needs? Love bombers use pressure to regain control, while genuine interest accepts boundaries. They may communicate their own needs or hurt in return, but in general you should expect for your boundaries to be respected.
Seek Outside Perspective
Talk with trusted friends and family or a therapist. It’s very hard to spot negative or concerning patterns when we are intertwined in them. Often, the people you trust can notice unhealthy patterns you might miss when you’re swept up in big emotions.
How To Avoid Love Bombing
Healthy relationships are built on consistency, respect, and care. If you’re feeling caught in a cycle of idealization and emotional withdrawal in relationships, know that you don’t have to stay stuck.
You deserve true love that feels steady and secure and will last over time. Relationship rituals can also support partners in building and strengthening genuine, secure bonds.
Slow Things Down
If it feels too good to be true, give yourself time. A healthy relationship doesn’t need to rush.
Keep Connections Strong
Stay involved with your friends and family. Isolation is a classic sign of love bombing. Maintaining your community helps you keep perspective.
Set Boundaries Early
Boundaries protect your well-being. Setting limits actually helps regulate the bond. When you both remember that you’re separate individuals with your own needs, values, and rhythms, you actually have more to bring back into the relationship.
Watch For The Cycle
Notice if you’re moving from intense affection into frequent criticism or withdrawal. That’s the devaluation phase. While all relationships experience challenge and conflict, secure relationships don’t tend to swing between such extremes.
Seek Professional Guidance
If you’re unsure or already in an unhealthy relationship, seek professional support. An EFT therapist can help you strengthen your voice, identify red flags, adjust patterns, and get your needs met.
Again, it’s normal and healthy to be excited and swept away from the infatuation in the early phases of a relationship. Therapy can help make sure you are setting up patterns that will support you in the long term.
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