Though rates have declined in the last few years, divorce is still fairly common. Most people have heard the common statistic that about 40-50% of marriages end in divorce.
Importantly, divorce itself is not necessarily a “bad” thing. Sometimes, though it can be devastating, ending a marriage is the best decision for both partners. This is especially true when other attempts to heal and reconnect have been exhausted.
While divorce can significantly affect young children, divorce can be just as impactful on adult children. In fact, in some ways divorcing parents as an adult can be even more challenging. Many adult children feel overlooked in the divorce process as parents do not acknowledge how their marital status impacts them.
So today, I’m going to share some guidance for adult children of divorcing parents. These tips will cover how to cope with parents divorcing in a healthy way and normalize the range of emotions you may experience.
How To Cope With Parents Divorcing
Divorce clearly has significant impact on children when they are still living with the parents and face a more direct and immediate change to the family system.
Yet, divorce impacts adult children in unique ways as well. Even if adult children do not live with their parents, a divorce may signify the breaking apart of their secure base or sense of stability in the world.
Further, when you watch your parents separate as an adult, you may naturally look back and reevaluate the past. You might wonder if your experience of your childhood was the full story. These questions can bring up grief, confusion, and difficulty with trust.
Divorcing parents can also make adults question their own life and relationships. While you may have once thought that marriage and commitment were safe and normal, you might start to feel fear. You may notice concern at your own ability to uphold a long-term relationship or if you will repeat the pattern of your parents.
Understanding how to cope with parents divorcing will help you navigate the unique challenges of experiencing family restructuring later in life.
Why Do Parents Get Divorced?
“Gray divorce”, or divorce after 20 years of marriage, has become more common with longer life expectancies. Here are the most common cited reasons that married couples initiate the divorce process.
Emotional Neglect
Emotional neglect and unmet needs go hand in hand. If couples do not feel emotionally connected and engaged with one another, they do not share vulnerable and connecting emotions.
Over time, couples who do not have a strong emotional bond are unable to communicate their needs. Eventually, this disconnection leads to relationship dissatisfaction.
Lack Of Intimacy
Emotional disconnection also leads to a lack of emotional, physical, and sexual intimacy. This disconnection can leave both partners feeling unfulfilled.
When a lack of intimacy persists over time, couples may feel helpless at trying to fix the issues. They may also feel disengaged or burned out, leading them to give up.
Infidelity
While many marriages survive infidelity, if couples do not adequately repair from these ruptures, the trust erodes over time. Unprocessed betrayal of trust can become more difficult to heal over time.
A lack of trust leads to self-protection. When guarded emotionally, partners do not discuss need or bond on a deep level needed for the maintenance of a marriage.
Poor Communication
Misunderstandings resulting from ineffective communication can lead to resentment. When partners feel resentful or burned out, they lose motivation to continue working on the relationship.
Substance Abuse
Addiction can cause damage in relationships. These issues require dedicated individual effort to repair from before a relationship can be healed.
How To Deal With Parents Divorce As An Adult
Even when no longer living with your parents, a divorce can completely shift your sense of reality. Since parents may figure that you have your own life, they may not realize how much their divorce impacts their adult children.
These tips for how to cope with parents divorcing will offer validation and practical strategies as you work through this family transition.
Acknowledge Your Feelings
Divorce is a huge change in family system and structure, even if you no longer live with your parents. While you might think adult children of divorce should not be impacted, a range of feelings are normal.
Resist self-judgement and instead, make time and space to acknowledge your feelings. Grief, confusion, sadness, relief, and even anger are all natural responses.
Practice Self Care
During times of transition, your nervous system may become activated by all of the change and uncertainty. You may notice feeling agitated or anxious as you adjust to the new family dynamic.
Practice self care during this time to ground yourself and your own body. Establish a sense of safety and calm through emotional grounding techniques. Spending time taking care of yourself will send your nervous system the message that you are safe amidst this change.
Differentiate
During a parents separation, you may feel confusion about your own safety and sense of identity. Differentiation is the process of separating your identity and emotions from those around you. Set boundaries that will allow you to remain both connected to and separate from your family of origin, while maintaining relationships with both parents if you choose.
Journaling can help you to explore and uncover your own emotions. Reviewing your core values and engaging in areas of your life that provide meaning can help you stay connected to you. Remember that your family is part of your story, but that you have your own unique identity as an individual.
Lean On Support System
We all need to lean on supports during emotionally intense parts of life. Siblings can be a valuable resource to process the changes in the family.
You also may choose to rely on trusted friends to share what you are going through and reconnect to a sense of balance and support. Friends can also help to provide enjoyment and distraction, reminding you of all the other important parts of your life during difficult times.
Support through books and stories of others who have been though the same can also help to feel less alone.
Care For Your Relationships
Children of divorcing parents may begin to question or fear their own ability to offer commitment and stability. Notice how this experiences impacts how you view yourself.
Try not to isolate yourself during this change. Instead, as you feel comfortable, share these feelings with your partner. Together, work together the fears that have come up. Remind yourself that your relationship is different and distinct from theirs. Their outcome does not have to be yours.
Attend Therapy
Seeking professional help can support your mental health. A therapist trained in family dynamics or life transitions therapy can help to navigate the complex range of emotional and thought responses after parents divorced.
Significant changes in family structures can alter rituals like holidays and celebrations. They can also impact the way we see and identify ourselves. A neutral therapist can help you process your feelings without pressure or bias of knowing members of your family.
How To Help Someone With Divorced Parents
If you know someone adjusting to a recent divorce, the best way you can help is to let them know you are available to them. Encourage them to share their feelings if they would like to, and offer non-judgmental validation and support.
Have you had to support someone going through a parental divorce? I’d love to hear what was most helpful in the comments section!
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