Conflict in relationships is inevitable, even in the healthiest of relationships. In fact, conflict can even be a sign of health, showing that both individuals are being honest about their views and bringing forth their needs.
In any close relationship between two individuals with different backgrounds, emotions, and needs, those individuals are bound to see situations differently at times. These differing perspectives can lead to conflict.
While they are not enjoyable when they come up, healthy conflict in relationships actually offer a chance for growth. The key is to handle conflict respectfully, honestly, and constructively.
This kind of conflict resolution includes:
- Managing our own big emotions (e.g., anger, panic, anxiety)
- Expressing how we feel clearly
- Offering the other to express their view, and listening with openness
- Focusing on working together rather than in opposition
When couple are successful at managing conflict, the conflict and its resolution can lead to:
- Increased trust
- Creative problem-solving
- Deeper connection
However, frequent and unresolved conflict patterns or (e.g., criticism, blaming, or defensiveness) can be harmful. I’m going to talk about healthy conflicts and how you can use these moments to grow even closer in your relationship.
For 1:1 support in resolving conflict in a relationship, be sure to check out our virtual couples therapy services.
Healthy Conflict In Relationships
Conflict in relationships is completely normal— you’ll have it even in a healthy, balanced, well-functioning relationship. In fact, conflict is a natural part of interacting with another person.
Additionally, in close relationships, each person brings forth unique perspectives, worldviews, needs, and culture of communication, which at times, may feel at odds with the other.
These differences enrich relationships and offer each individual opportunities to learn, grow, and become more well-rounded. There is nothing inherently wrong with conflict or disagreements themselves.
Yet, these very differences can lead to conflict when it comes to communication and decision making if they are not managed in a healthy and effective way. If conflicting viewpoints lead to excessive fighting and rigidity from both partners, the outcomes can deteriorate the relationship over time.
Is Conflict Healthy In A Relationship?
Negative cycles of communication are bound to occur in close relationships. These cycles are points in relationships where differences of opinion or stress lead to feeling opposed to one another rather than a team. They also separate us from the ability to resolve conflict and to find the solution to our problems.
On the other hand, healthy conflict involves addressing these differences in a constructive way. Rather than letting the negative emotions get the best of us, couples work together. They keep themselves calm so that they can communicate with each other in a way that promotes understanding and growth.
Indeed, this kind of conflict can strengthen a relationship by allowing partners to better understand each other and what truly matters to them as a couple. Communicating this way, they are also able to find solutions to their problems.
How To Handle Conflict In A Relationship
Here are the key steps to healthy conflict resolution to navigate conflict in a close relationship.
Regulate Emotions
Conflict in a relationship can bring out strong emotions in all of us. The stress and frustration of feeling at odds in conflict can lead to anger, anxiety, and panic.
The key to de escalate is to manage emotions. Rather than expressing these emotions and lashing out, practice emotional grounding techniques to keep yourself cool and regulated.
Remember, each person is responsible for managing their own emotions. If you need to, take breaks from the conversation. Use this time to regather and ground yourself and come back with a clear mind.
Communicate Needs
“I statements” are an effective technique in communicating your needs clearly. Using this method, rather than blame or personal attacks on the other person (research shows these do not work!), you speak about your needs from your own perspective.
In addition, make sure you communicate in a way that helps the other person understand you and your experience more clearly.
For example, instead of saying “you never unload the dishwasher”, which could come across as blaming and unimportant to the listener, you could share “it makes me feel overwhelmed and alone to manage all these responsibilities on my own. I need for you to be my teammate here.” Speaking in this manner is less likely to result in a defensive response and more likely to get your closer to what you need.
Focus on the most important pieces of the conflict and agree to disagree on the rest.
Listen Openly
When its your partner’s turn to share, commit to giving them that space and hearing them out. Listen to your partner with openness and with the goal to understand their position. Remember that your focus is to actively listen and on how to be a better listener, not to prove or defend your position.
As difficult as it can be, listening with openness will allow both partners to expand their perspective. One opinion does not cancel out the other. Instead, we are making room for both partners’ needs in order to find a solution that works for both.
Externalize The Problem
Externalizing means that to resolve conflict, we focus on solving problems, not people. Keep the focus of the conversation on the issue at hand that you are both trying to solve together. Refrain from attacks on character, which will only lead to more defensiveness. If one partner feels attacked, they are not going to stay present in the conversation.
The more you are able to focus on the issue as the problem, the more you and your partner can team up to work against the problem. In this frame of mind, you can creatively come to a solution together.
Brainstorm Solutions Together
Often times, the creative solutions to complex problems arise in a state of safety and connectedness. When you are understood, accepted, and do not have to defend your position, your creative resources open.
The solution to conflict incorporates all of the information and the needs of both partners. As such, the “right” answer is usually found when couples come together to problem-solve.
Attend Couples Therapy
Sometimes, conflict patterns are too complex, or the subject matters that lead to conflict are too sensitive to be managed within the couple. In these cases, couples therapy is a wonderful resource. A couples therapist will work to understand each partner and set up communication exercises to help them both better understand each other. From there, they naturally work toward resolution of their conflict.
Interested in couples therapy with our practice? Here are a few additional resources:
Pay Attention To Body Language
We don’t just communicate through words. Our body language speaks volumes. Eye contact, facial expressions, tone of voice, and posture can either build trust or create tension during conflict.
Crossing your arms, avoiding eye contact, or using a sharp tone can send a message of defensiveness, even if your words are calm. Instead, aim to show openness with relaxed posture, gentle eye contact, and a tone that conveys care.
These nonverbal cues can make it easier for your partner to hear you and feel safe engaging in the conversation.
Rituals To Connect
Relationship rituals are small moments of bonding in close relationships. These moments remind partners of their belonging in the relationship and their unique bond to one another.
Ending conflict with a ritual of connection, even as simple as a hug and an “I love you”, to reaffirm the relationship creates safety between partners. These small acts communicate that conflict and disagreements are safe and that partners will find their way back to one another.
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