Every couple fights. Even the healthiest, happiest, most strongly-bonded partners have disagreements. In fact, arguing with your partner can actually be healthy and end up bringing you closer.
But, if you’re in constant conflict and it feels like every day a new argument arises, that’s probably not healthy or effective.
There’s no ideal number when it comes to how often couples should fight. Some partners might argue infrequently, while others might get into disagreements a few times a week. While the number really doesn’t matter, if it feels like you’re fighting constantly, it’s important to understand why, and what you can do about it.
How Often Do You Fight?
Arguments with your partner can ebb and flow depending on what’s going on in your lives. For example, if one or both of you are dealing with something stressful, you might fight more often. Maybe you’re having problems at work. Perhaps you’re struggling to keep up with finances. Or, you might be going through a personal issue that you haven’t opened up about.
Stress, anxiety, and depression can often make it easier to lash out at the people we love. It doesn’t mean your relationship is in trouble. So, if you think you’re fighting with your partner a lot, first consider what’s going on in your personal life, and how it might be impacting the way you feel and behave.
The Past and Your Personalities
How often you argue will also depend on your temperament, personality, and how well you handle conflict.
Keep in mind that your past and your experiences might dictate how you get through problems today, even if you don’t fully realize it. For example, if you tend to need more attention, you might instigate fights more often than not. If you were in a past relationship where your needs and wants weren’t valued, you might try to avoid conflict in your relationship.
Neither of these extremes is “healthy” when it comes to arguments, but it’s important to understand that they can play a role in how often you fight.
Fighting the Right Way
Instead of focusing on how often you fight with your partner, pay attention to how you argue. There are benefits to healthy disagreements. Healthy fighting will build resilience in your relationship. It will help you better understand your partner and improve your communication skills.
Healthy fighting also clears the air and helps to resolve any underlying issues within your relationship.
You can choose to argue the right way by being an active listener, leading with respect, avoiding bringing up past hurts, and being objective. Recognize that you and your partner are on the same team, even if you don’t always agree about everything. Read our post on how to deal with confrontation.
Here are some more tactical strategies to resolve conflict in relationships.
What If You Fight Every Day?
Again, there is no right or wrong when it comes to how often you should fight. But, when you know that there will be a new argument every day (or multiple times a day), it could indicate something is wrong in your relationship.
You and your partner might have different communication styles. Maybe someone’s needs or wants aren’t being met. Or, you might simply want different things from the relationship and you’re not sure how to express that.
If you’re struggling with constant arguments and you can’t seem to grow from them as a couple, consider reaching out for help. Therapy can help you individually and as a couple. You’ll learn more about where the problems are coming from, as well as effective strategies for healthy arguing. Feel free to contact me to set up a counseling for couples and marriage appointment, and together we’ll help you break the cycle of constant conflict in your relationship.
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