One unifying fact about everyone living on this earth is that our experience in our bodies is temporary. Death and dying are uncomfortable, omnipresent realities of being human.
As such, everyone experiences grief at some point in their life — loss of a loved one is inevitable. Yet, the experience is gut-wrenching and complex each time you have to face it. It is a deeply personal process, and individuals experience grief in ways that are unique to their history, relationships, and coping styles.
Each person copes with grief differently. The grieving process does not follow a structured time schedule. However, the experience tends to come in stages. These stages are not a checklist, but a framework for understanding the wide range of reactions that are a natural response to loss.
Learning about the stages of grief can help you cope with the emotional pain in a healthier way. I’m going to share 10 stages of grief (expanding on psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler Ross’s model of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance). Over time, other models of grief have added to her foundation, showing that the journey is often non-linear and cyclical.
With this model, you’ll know what to expect in terms of the 10 stages and grief therapy goals in your healing and mental health journey. These concepts can apply not only to death, but also to other life changes such as the loss of a job, the end of a relationship, or major shifts in identity.
10 stages of grief
Because grief has always been a part of human life, the body carries a natural way of processing it (e.g. crying, experiences of waves, etc.).
But when we don’t allow ourselves to move through the stages, this process can become blocked or stuck, leaving the pain harder to carry over time.
Learning how to stop suppressing emotions is an important part of grief work, because allowing feelings to surface is what helps the body and mind move through the healing process.
Shock
Whether or not the death of a loved one was anticipated (like working with a terminally ill family member), the first response after loss typically involves a level of shock that this is reality. You freeze in the reality that your whole world just changed.
Allow yourself to feel shocked and disbelief, knowing this is a natural response to a significant loss.
Denial
The mind can only handle so much emotion, and it is natural to experience denial about the circumstances.
Don’t rush yourself to think too far into the future. Gradually start to tolerate the pain and reality associated with your new situation.
Pain
The emotions associated with loss are intense. The level of hurt may feel unfamiliar to you. Coping with loss is extremely painful. You may even notice feelings like regret or guilt. Processing and learning to manage guilt are an important part of clearing emotional room for the grieving process.
Practice patience and self-compassion, knowing that feelings of pain are temporary and normal.
Anger
Once the reality of the situation sets in, and you feel the pain, you may notice yourself feeling angry. Why me? This isn’t fair. It doesn’t make sense. You may look for someone to blame. You may feel angry at how little the people around you seem to understand.
Recognize that feeling angry is justified, and can also serve as a natural defense mechanism to avoid feeling pain. Channel these emotions in ways that are effective for you. Try naming feelings through journaling, exercising, or expressing your feelings through therapy.
Resistance
As you navigate your anger, you may be resistant to accepting this reality and returning to a “new-normal” version of your life. It feels too painful to leave this person and experience in the past.
It’s important to not rush yourself, and to work on one goal at a time. Focus on yourself, your relationships, and your work — prioritize returning to your life in a way that makes sense to you.
Sadness
Once you get through the acute pain and anger, you may notice the space clearing for a more heavy sense of sadness and depression to set in. No matter what you do, who you blame or place anger toward, the reality of this loss is here to stay.
In your sadness, seek support from friends or a therapist. At this point, you may find it helpful to join a support group or read a book on death. Nurture yourself with activities that feel compassionate.
Acceptance
At this point in your grief journey, you will begin to accept the loss and understand what it means to live with this reality, and these emotions, in the long term. You will always carry this pain as part of your story, though the intensity becomes more tolerable. You experience the emotions in waves.
Reintegration
At this point, the high-intensity level of feelings of grief are processed, and you can reintegrate into your life in a new way. You begin attending to your normal life again, maybe even exploring new interests.
Don’t try to make everything look the way it once was. Explore the possibilities for a new chapter of your story. There will be good days and difficult days, but you accept yourself wherever you are.
Meaning
Over time, with perspective, you may find meaning about the life and loss you experienced. Reflect on the lessons you learned in your journey through grief.
Maybe you find a way to stay connected to your loved one through rituals. Maybe you find connection to a higher power. Over time, make meaning in a way that speaks to you.
Growth
The final stage of grief is growth. No one is the same after going through the experience of a significant loss.
Notice how the experience has changed you. Be empowered by your resilience to wake up each morning and start again, regardless of the pain life has thrown your way.
moving forward
therapy and counseling
We recommend attending depression therapy grief counseling to process the complex emotions and stages of grief exploring as you learn about coping with grief. Working with a therapist can provide strategies for acceptance, processing emotional pain, and developing new ways of connecting with others.
Grief is not something to “get over.” It is a lifelong journey, but one that can lead to deeper self-understanding and even renewed purpose. With support, compassion, and time, you can find your way forward.
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