If you know your own attachment style as well as your partner’s, you might be left wondering- can anxious and avoidant relationships work?
You may be surprised to learn that it’s super common for people with anxious and avoidant attachment styles to attract.
This may lead you to wonder if anxious avoidant relationships can ever really work in the long term. I’m going to break down why and how these relationships can work in the long-run, if both partners are willing to put in a little bit of work.
Can Anxious and Avoidant Relationships Work?
Attachment theory defines attachment styles as the strategies different people use to:
- Connect to the people they care about most (i.e., attachment relationships)
- Mitigate against threat
- Get needs met
Early experiences in relationships teach people what they have to do to access others when they need them. These lessons start with the dynamics someone observes in their family of origin in early childhood.
The ways that people deal with stress are categorized into 4 different types of attachment styles:
- Secure– send clear signals when they need their partner, and reasonably know their partner will be there when needed
- Insecure- Avoidant attachment style- have a hard time relying on others and may be uncomfortable getting too close with partners
- Insecure- Anxious attachment style- fear they won’t be able to reach their partner if they need them, and tend to need a lot of reassurance
- Insecure- Disorganized– send mixed messages about whether they want closeness or space and have a hard time trusting
In anxious avoidant relationship, the heightening tendencies of the anxiously attached person become a trigger for the avoidant partner. At the same time, the suppressing tendencies of the avoidant person become a trigger for the anxious partner.
Not only is the anxious avoidant pattern common, but it is a dynamic that is workable in a relationship. Further, it is possible to move from an anxious-avoidant relationship to a secure attachment.
Anxious Avoidant Example
Let’s say we have an anxious (Jill) and avoidant (Jack) couple. Jill is very emotionally in-tune with Jack. And she feels like she can pick up on when he is feeling upset. She notices Jack has been quiet one evening. She thinks to herself that he is upset with her, and decides to approach him to ask him what’s wrong.
Jack tells Jill that nothing is wrong. When she asks him this, he figures that he’s not doing something right or behaving how she wants him to. He feels frustrated with himself.
Here’s the anxious-avoidant loop: The more Jack says nothing is wrong, the more stressed Jill becomes, thinking he is upset with her. The more Jill asks Jack what’s wrong, the more he feels suffocated. He shuts down and gets quiet, thinking that his emotions will upset Jill. The cycle goes on and on and on.
In this dynamic, they are both unable to verbalize clearly what they need from their partner. They are also unable to soothe themselves in an effective way.
It is possible to work through this dynamic and adjust into more healthy and satisfying patterns for both partners. However, each partner need to be willing to dig in and do the necessary work.
Anxious and Avoidant Relationship Tips
Here are some tips for making an anxious-avoidant relationship work.
Identify Your Attachment Style
Attachment styles are created way before we meet our adult romantic partners. Understand your attachment style and the patterns you may bring into the current relationship dynamic.
This quiz will help you reflect on your relationships and the themes to pay attention to in determining your style. Even if you are not an anxious person, you may discover that you use anxious protest behaviors when under stress.
Determine your communication Cycle
Knowing where you are is the first step in moving toward a new result. Commit to slowing down, zooming out, and noticing the pattern that keeps happening.
This guide will help you slow down quick, emotional interactions and discover attachment themes. These exercises will help you hone in on the important parts and keep you from getting caught up in the details.
Own Your Triggers
Sometimes, the things that trigger you have to do with your partner’s behavior. Sometimes, your triggers are getting activated because of the attachment system, which may not have to do with your partner.
Anxious people may be triggered by feeling abandoned. Avoidant people may be triggered by feeling rejected.
When you feel yourself getting really worked up, ask yourself:
- What about this situation has triggered me?
- Does the intensity of my reaction match the intensity of the scenario in front of me?
- What about this is making me so upset? Is this feeling familiar?
Notice these triggers and see if you can identify any themes.
Self-Soothe
The ability to pause in a moment of distress and ground yourself is an essential ingredient in a functional relationship. When feeling overwhelmed and over-stimulated, we cannot show up to a discussion clear-minded.
Both partners have a responsibility to soothe their own reactions. Only when regulated can they can show up to work through problems in an effective, mindful way.
Research shows that the effects of emotions last about 60-90 seconds in the body. This means that when you feel emotions longer than that, it is actually the thoughts and story you tell yourself that is reactivating the emotions and creating a feedback loop.
Instead, figure out what activities offer you release in processing tough emotions, and apply those when you feel disoriented. Try breathing, jogging, singing, yelling, or even doing some jumping jacks to process the stress chemicals through your body.
Ask Clearly for What You Need
An antidote to an anxious avoidant cycle, is to figure out what you need and to ask for that clearly.
Sometimes when we get worked up, we create stories about our partner (e.g., you never help me, I’m always left alone). These stories don’t actually send a clear signal to them about what we do need.
Instead, be honest with yourself and your partner. In the example with Jack and Jill above….
- Instead of criticizing Jack’s quiet demeanor, Jill could have said, “I need to know we are connected and things between us are okay. I am worried about you and want to support you.”
- Instead of brushing off Jill’s concerns, Jack could say, “I am not sure what I am feeling today, but it’s not you. I need some time to sort through my thoughts.“
Be Responsive to Your Partner
You are going to create a new dynamic by sending and responding to clear signals. When your partner shares their vulnerable emotions and their honest needs with you, hear and support them.
Show them that they can rely on you, you will be responsive to them. When you respond, show that you are emotionally engaged in the conversation through non-verbals like:
- Eye contact
- Follow up questions
- Reassuring touch, where appropriate
Ditch The Four Horsemen
The Four Horsemen is a metaphor by John Gottman describing communication patterns that predict the end of a relationship. These patterns include:
- Criticism
- Contempt
- Defensiveness
- Stonewalling or silent treatment
Replace these ineffective patterns with the skills you gain through identifying needs and sending clear signals to your partner.
Attend Couples Therapy
The anxious avoidant dynamic is not impossible to break, but it is not easy. The patterns that we express in relationships are engrained in our psyche, revealing our programming from childhood. Modifying that programming takes intentional awareness, time, and repeated practice over time.
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy or counseling is designed to help you learn your dynamic and practice a new one over and over again. Over time, will not only learn about yourselves, but you’ll form a new communication pattern.
This dynamic will also be the basis in how to develop secure attachment.
The bottom line: Anxious and avoidant partners can become secure partners if both are willing to put in the work.
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