You’ve been thinking about couples therapy. You know that you and your significant other could benefit from having a space to talk through recurring issues, get to the root of them, and reconnect. But you aren’t sure what your partner would think about it, and the idea of broaching the topic is scary and unsettling.
Couples therapy is a form of mental health therapy that focuses on how individuals function in relationships. Instead of zooming in on mental health diagnoses, couples therapists zoom out to look at the patterns of communication in relationships.
Therapists piece together what happens within each partner and between the two of you. They can help you identify where you and your partner keep getting stuck and help you interact more effectively.
Yet, the broaching the conversation of couples therapy with your partner can feel intimidating and awkward. So today, we’re going to talk about how to convince your partner to attend couples therapy and how the process can benefit you both.
How to Ask Your Partner to Go to Couples Therapy
When Is It Time For Therapy?
Most often, couples seek out therapy when they have been fighting more often than usual, notice miscommunication patterns repeating themselves, or feel generally disconnected from one another. Like any other problem, it’s always better to start sooner rather than letting discontent fester and worsen over time.
Therapy can help you…
- Understand your relationship dynamic
- Develop better communication skills
- Clarify your shared values
- Reconnect and strengthen your bond
Working on these goals, all of which are crucial for the strength of your relationship, requires intention and certain interventions or techniques. Because you and your partner are so close to each other, you have a huge impact on each other emotionally. Which can make it hard to see the places you are getting stuck or are operating ineffectively.
A neutral, trained couples therapist will offer a nonjudgemental ear to help you look closely at what isn’t going right. They will also offer evidenced-based strategies and techniques to help you build to where you want to go.
When things aren’t going well in our close relationships, we suffer in our families, work, other relationships, and even in our physical and mental health. Couples counseling will help you to nurture this bond that supports each of you through the phases of your life.
The success of a therapy session and on couples counseling overall rides on each partner’s commitment and involvement in the process. The idea of asking your partner about going to therapy might feel intimidating and scary.
Asking Your Partner to Go to Couples Therapy
Here are top tips to support you in asking your partner to go to couples therapy- a truly transformational step in your relationship and your life.
Find The Right Time
The way and the time that you bring up the idea of couples therapy is important. If you think the idea of going to couples therapy might face fear or resistance from your partner, you want to make sure that you do not broach the topic at a time when their defenses are already up, like, right after or in the middle of a fight.
If they are feeling defensive, they will be less likely to consider or take in new information or ideas.
Ask your partner to go to couples therapy at a time when things are calm. Wait for high emotions to settle after a fight.
If it feels like life is too crazy and you can’t figure out where that moment of conflict is, share with your partner that you’d like to talk with them and work together to find a time that works for you both.
Regulate Yourself
Make sure you are regulated and calm when you approach this topic. Just like we don’t want your partner to be already emotionally activated, afraid, and disoriented when having this conversation, we don’t want you to be either!
If you normally try to problem solve when you are upset, suggesting something like therapy during a fight, make a decision to do something different, and not react when you are upset.
Plus, if you use couples therapy as a demand when you are upset, it becomes more of something your partner will feel like they have to do, versus something you both decide, together, will be good for you.
The conversation of couples therapy is sacred for your relationship and should be approached when you are thinking clearly.
don’t put it off
Couples counseling can support you wherever you are in your relationship and level of conflict, as long as both partners are willing to give it a try. While counseling is necessary for issues like can a marriage survive infidelity, couples therapy for young couples will build a strong foundation.
As soon as you sense disconnection or disruption in your relationship that feels out of your norm, you should start getting ready to broach the topic with your partner.
Like anything else, the longer you wait to let things get worse and try and fix them on your own, the harder (and longer, and more expensive) it will be to heal your relationship in therapy.
Reframe the Problem
Often, couples going to therapy view therapy as a way to fix one of the partners. You might be so sure that your partner is the problem. And that if they could only [insert thing you want them to do differently], your relationship would be fine.
This approach is sure to be met with defensiveness and resistance. Instead, be open to the idea that both you and your partner contribute to the dynamic that you have. Together, you can both be part of the solution.
Including your partner in therapy increases the sustainability and success of treatment. Share with them how important they are to you and how much you want to grow in this space together.
Learn Their Perspective
It can be difficult to not take relationship issues personally, and to think that the other person is the problem. Yet, the blame game will only lead to more defensiveness and block you from healing.
Avoiding blame and listening non defensively will allow you to actually hear how your partner is experiencing and thinking about the stress you are facing as a couple. While it’s only natural to get caught up in our own experience, your partner will have a distinct and equally valid point of view.
To improve your relationship, both perspectives and experiences must be taken into account. This conversation can be difficult, but by asking open ended questions and offering your point of view openly and honestly, you have a better chance of approaching your partner in an effective way.
Approach as a team
Typically, people are in committed relationships because they have the belief, conscious or not, that life is better managed with the support of a partner than without. When you and your partner can turn toward each other instead of turn away from each other when life gets tough, you are so much better equipped to face whatever life throws your way.
Approach the start of relationship counseling as another one of those parts of life. Instead of turning away from each other when things feel tough in your relationship, maybe by going to therapy on your own or trying to ignore all your problems, start making the first move to turn toward your partner.
Talk about the start of marriage counseling as a way that you want to work through your issues, together, as a united front- not as a way that you want to work against them or prove to a couples therapist that you are right.
Speak About Your Own Experience
Relationship counseling is super vulnerable. And asking your partner to go to marriage counseling with you is asking them to expose themselves to a therapist, and to you. Offer that vulnerability back to your partner. And share with them how you are feeling, what you want out of couples counseling, and why this is important to you.
It’s incredibly important when speaking vulnerably that you aren’t coming from a place of anger. That will be met with more defensiveness. Instead, show them your soft side and invite them to do the same. Speak from your own experience and perspective, and avoid telling them all the reasons you think they need to change. Tell them what you hope to get out of a therapy session.
Honor Their Hesitations + Give Time
Couples therapy can be a really scary idea. Especially for people who aren’t used to talking to others about how they feel. Try to hear them out if they are hesitant.
There can also be cultural factors and stigmas when approaching therapy. You want this conversation to be approachable. You will likely need to revisit it a few times before you get started.
Create a safe space for vulnerabilities by letting however they feel be okay. If you react to resistance with a stronger push, you are only going to get more resistance back.
Choose a Couples Therapist Together
Research shows that the factor that most predicts whether therapy is successful is the trust and rapport between client and therapist. Your choice of therapist is critically important to the success of the work in sessions.
Most therapists offer free introduction calls to make sure you are a good fit before you schedule an intake. Schedule this call at a time you and your partner can both join and see if you both vibe with them.
Your partner is much more likely to buy into the process if they also feel connected to and understood by your therapist.
Attend Individual Therapy
If you continue to notice that your partner is resistant and not open to attending couples therapy, individual therapy may be a great option for you.
In individual therapy, a counselor can:
- Hear you out 1×1 and help you feel validated in your own perspective
- Guide you to explore how your actions may impact your partner
- Practice ways to communicate differently with your partner to achieve greater connection
If you attend therapy on your own, your partner will get the message that you are not putting all the blame on them and that you are willing to work on your half of the equation. This message can reduce some of the pressure.
From there, you can talk to your partner again- try to talk to go to couples therapy. Couples therapy is where the real change in a relationship will happen.
Find A therapist
Before scheduling an intake session, here are some questions you can ask the provider to see if they would be a good fit for you:
- What is your approach to treatment in couples work?
- What are your qualifications in working with couples?
- How will we know if we are getting better?
- How long does treatment usually last?
- What can I expect in a typical session?
You don’t have to be an expert on these areas. But the therapist should make you both feel safe about the space they will offer and clear about the next steps.
If you are looking for a couples therapist in the state of Florida, feel free to inquire with our practice:
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