Have you ever felt like the closer you try to get to your partner, the more they pull away from you? Or the more you try to take a breath of space from conflict, the more your partner comes for you?
This dynamic can be mind-boggling, and it’s not just you. The pursuer-distancer pattern is extremely common- in fact, it’s the most common dynamic in relationships experiencing stress.
I’m going to break down how this pattern forms and share practical tips to help you break the cycle in your relationship.
Pursuer-Distancer Dance in Couples
The pursuer-distancer dance, or pursue-withdraw, is a common relationship dynamic where one partner moves toward connection while the other pulls away.
The pursuer seeks closeness, often through questioning or protest, while the distancer protects themselves through emotional withdrawal.
Both partners react in ways that trigger the other’s fears, creating a reinforcing cycle of emotional disconnection. This pattern can become habitual if left unaddressed.
Pursuer Distancer Example
Let’s say, we have a couple (partner A and partner B). Partner A gets home late from work and forgot to pick up the eggs that Partner B asked them to on their way home. Partner B sees Partner A get home, and says “where’s the eggs?”. Then Partner A walks away, checks their email, etc.
If we break down this interaction by the experience of each partner, it might look like this:
Partner A (Distancer):
- Thoughts: I was excited to get home, but I failed my wife. I’m never enough, I can’t make her happy
- Feelings: Defeated, frustrated
- Actions: Walks away in an attempt to calm self down, regulate, take a moment
Partner B (Pursuer):
- Thoughts: He is walking away, he doesn’t care about me- I don’t matter to him
- Feelings: Uncared for, hurt
- Actions: Follows husband, dials up intensity, reminds him he didn’t get eggs and now he’s just walking away
The more Partner A walks away, the more Partner B feels rejected and tries even harder to be heard. The more Partner B approaches Partner A, the more inclined they are to pull away and get more space. Together, they create a cycle.
I’m going to break down how this dynamic gets started, what perpetuates it, and how to finally break free from these patterns.
Why Does the Pursuer Distancer Dynamic Happen?
To understand this dynamic a little bit more, we need to understand the positions within it.
Pursuers
These people tend to display an anxious attachment style. They tend to feel hurt or abandoned when they see their partner withdraw, which quickly dysregulates them. In an attempt to stop the disconnection, they want to address what is happening head-on.
They might approach or even criticize their partner, sometimes blaming them, in an effort to pull them into a more active emotional role. According to Harriet Lerner, pursuers are often driven by the fear of emotional distance and a longing for intimacy. Sometimes, they become so exhausted of attempting to fix situations that they become burned out (what is relationship burnout?).
Distancers (AKA withdrawers)
People who withdraw more typically fall in the avoidant attachment category. Distancers may fall into patterns of shutting down emotionally in a relationship.
Likewise, they may display emotional unavailability or emotional withdrawal in relationships. The distancer realizes that engaging in conflict feels threatening and often fears that conversations will go nowhere or escalate. Therefore, they use emotional distance to preserve stability.
Additionally, they tend to feel rejected or shamed when their partner criticizes them. They may fear that participating in a conversation will not help, so their instinct is to pull back and defend in an attempt to preserve how things are and not make them worse.
How the Pursuer-Distancer Dance Begins
At the end of the day, we are all human, and we all have the same underlying need of connection with others, especially those who are closest to us. When we sense that connection is under threat, we go to our own individual strategies to try and fight for the connection and restore closeness.
When one individual senses a looming threat of disconnection, they do what they have always done in other relationships to try and bridge the gap of space. They react based on past experiences or subsequent intimate relationships.
This is typically unconscious; we don’t know why we’re making the moves we’re making, we just react and assume we are the one who cares more or knows what’s best.
In our Partner A/Partner B example, the threat of disconnection happens for both partners at different places, which is quite common.
- Partner A- disconnection when they hear the criticism and experiences shame
- Partner B- disconnection when they see Partner get home and feel unimportant
Why the Dance Continues
Each person’s protective response (i.e., either withdrawing or pursuing) actually triggers the other. Partner A is triggered by criticism, walks away, and then gets more criticism for taking space. This leads to further withdrawal and distancing behavior. Partner B is triggered by emotional distance when their request is ignored, and then even more hurt when Partner A walks away, confirming their fear that they don’t matter.
This dynamic can continue for 30 years or more if left unaddressed, becoming ingrained in the relationship’s fabric. Research from the Gottman Institute and John Gottman identifies this kind of protest-withdraw pattern as one of the most common causes of divorce.
Once partners enter this dynamic, the cycle goes round and round, regardless of the context of the fight. The more we care about someone, the more impact the threat of disconnection from them is, which is why these cycles happen with the people we are closest to.
How to Break Out of the Dance
To create the closeness we all crave in relationships, we must be willing to put our protections down and speak from a place of vulnerability. Vulnerability fosters connection, and that is the antidote to conflict.
This requires both partners to increase awareness of their own internal responses and take responsibility for the impact of their actions. Start by mapping out how the pursuer-distancer pattern plays out in your relationship and redefining those moves.
Example
Let’s revisit the earlier egg scenario. Here’s how both partners could approach it differently:
- Partner A: gets home, Partner B does not greet them but instead asks about the eggs. Then the partner takes a moment to notice how they are feeling + shares this with Partner B. This could sound like… “I realize I forgot to stop and get the eggs. I had a really busy and stressful day and I was looking forward to just coming home to you. It makes me feel like a failure when you approach me like this, which makes me want to retreat. Can we work this out?”
- Partner B: Partner A get home with no eggs. Parter B takes a moment to notice what is happening inside + shares with Partner A. This could sound like…“Welcome home. I am happy to see you. I noticed you forgot to pick up the eggs. When I ask you for support and you forget, it makes me feel really unimportant to you. It makes me feel like I don’t matter to you, which makes me hurt. Can we talk about this?”
Pause Before Reacting
- Notice when you begin to feel triggered and pause
- Name the emotion you’re feeling instead of the behavior you’re seeing in your partner
- Reflect: Is this about now, or am I reacting to something old?
- Remind yourself: The cycle is the problem, not my partner
Discover Your Negative Cycle
In order to change any behavior or pattern, it is important to analyze the current behaviors and unpack the function they are serving.
Working with your partner to determine the communication style, or negative cycle, that is keeping you stuck will help you see where the break down is occurring and the pieces that need to be modified.
Find your negative cycle here.
I also recommend the books Hold Me Tight and Secure Love for couples looking to identify these patterns on their own.
Create a New Cycle
When couples recognize the pattern and practice new responses, they foster secure attachment, which is a sense of safety and emotional regulation in the relationship. Trust grows, emotional presence increases, and partners begin to feel truly seen and supported.
Once you build trust and make new moves that make each partner feel seen and understood, couples are able to support one another when inevitable challenges arise in their lives.
Attend therapy
Addressing these moves and choosing a new dance is complex work. Emotional reactivity and deep-rooted attachment wounds can be difficult to navigate alone.
An emotionally-focused marriage therapist can help unpack communication patterns and guide couples toward a healthier, more connected dynamic. EFT is the leading model of therapy for couples in distress.
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Great post. I’m facing many of tһeѕe issues as welⅼ..
I appreciate you sharing! These challenges are common. I hope some of the posts in the ‘Relationship Patterns + Attachment Theory’ category are helpful.