Marriage isn’t just the joining of two people-it’s the joining of two families. Even if you are independent from your family, we all adopt (or actively seek to portray the opposite of) the patterns we learned in our earliest relationships. In this way, it’s inevitable that in-laws affect a marriage.
Along with love and commitment come unique values, cultures, traditions, and lifestyles. One partner might come from a loud, involved family who shares everything, while the other grew up in a quiet, private household where personal space was expected.
These differences don’t automatically cause problems, but they can fuel misunderstandings, conflict, and stress, with each partner thinking their way is the “right way” based on the culture of their upbringing. Plus, when in-laws are part of the picture, they can influence the marriage in ways that are both subtle and significant.
Most people enter marriage hoping for a harmonious connection with their partner’s family. Some in-laws become like second parents or trusted friends. But… not everyone is that lucky.
Many married couples report tension, discomfort, or outright conflict with in-laws, especially early in marriage or after major transitions like having a child. As a couples therapist, I’ve seen in-law tension cause devastating strain on the bond of the couple.
If you’ve struggled with a mother in law who offers constant unsolicited advice or a father in law whose inappropriate comments get under your skin, know that you’re not alone. Let’s take a closer look at how in-laws can affect a marriage, and what you can do about it to protect your relationship.
How In-Laws Can Affect A Marriage
Even if your relationship with your in-laws feels peaceful or distant, their influence often still inevitably shows up. Many people carry forward the conflict resolution patterns, emotional expression styles, or avoidance strategies (i.e., attachment styles- find yours here) they witnessed in their families growing up.
These learned behaviors can shape how couples navigate stress and disagreement that show up in their marriage (this book dives into such dynamics!).
For instance, if your partner grew up in a home where conflict was ignored or swept under the rug, they may struggle to engage in open, direct conversations within your marriage. Even without active conflict, your in-laws’ way of relating becomes part of the emotional culture your partner brings into the relationship.
In-laws can shape the tone and health of a marriage in more direct ways as well. When in-law relationships are respectful and mutually supportive, they can enrich a couple’s life and create a strong extended family system. But when there is tension, criticism, or over-involvement, in-laws can become a source of chronic stress.
Sometimes, the conflict is overt and impossible to ignore- arguments during holidays, disagreements over parenting decisions, or pressure to “choose sides.”
Other times, the impact is quieter, but just as painful. You may find yourself hiding details of your life from in-laws to avoid judgment. Or you might feel resentment toward your partner for not standing up for you when you feel criticized by them. These unspoken stressors can slowly chip away at trust and intimacy in your marriage.
It’s important to acknowledge this: your partner’s relationship with their parents was formed long before you arrived. And when those relationships go unquestioned, loyalties can become blurred. It can feel like you’re competing for your partner’s allegiance instead of being on the same team.
How Important Are In-Laws In Marriage?
The role of in-laws in marriage can be deeply influential. While a marriage is built on the bond between two individuals, the surrounding relationships can either help or hinder that bond. In-laws often have significant influence over a married couples big decisions- where a couple lives, how they raise children, how money is spent, and how holidays are celebrated.
When in-laws are critical or overbearing, married couples can begin to feel emotionally unsafe in their own relationship. This happens especially when one partner is unwilling or unsure of how to set boundaries with their family of origin. If your spouse struggles to establish boundaries, you may feel alone, unprotected, or even betrayed. Over time, resentment can build as you feel uncared for and unsupported by the partner you chose to marry.
A healthy marriage often requires partners to “differentiate”. This is a therapy term which essentially means to develop a clear sense of identity and loyalty in their new family unit, recognizing that they are separate from their family of origin.
In other words, as an adult, your marriage comes first. When partners are clear about where their allegiance lies, it creates safety and emotional closeness. Without that clarity, insecurity can fester and in-law problems can multiply.
Can A Marriage Work If You Hate Your In-Laws?
It’s possible for a marriage to work even when you have a strained or distant relationship with your in-laws. But it depends on how the couple navigates the situation together.
If one partner constantly minimizes or dismisses your discomfort or fails to protect you from repeated hurt, resentment will likely build. Even if the partner does not have ill intentions and instead feels helpless to change their parents, the impact still can devastate the marriage.
Hating your in-laws isn’t always about them being objectively awful people. Sometimes it’s about a contrast in values, constant unsolicited advice, or repeated boundary-crossing. What matters most is whether your partner hears and honors your experience- and that you know they have your back over all else. A strong couple knows how to respond to outside stress- even family of origin stress- as a united team.
In some cases, couples benefit from tools to help them communicate through this tension. You can explore strategies in couples therapy exercises for communication to create more understanding and unity.
Can In Laws Break Up A Marriage?
Unfortunately, yes. In-laws can contribute to the breakdown of a marriage. Research has shown that conflict with in-laws is one of the leading external stressors in marital satisfaction. According to a study published in the Journal of Family Psychology, women who reported close relationships between their husbands and in-laws were more likely to divorce, citing enmeshment (i.e., the opposite of differentiation) and divided loyalty as contributing factors. A divided loyalty can lead to insecure attachment between partners where support and responsiveness are not trusted.
Estimates suggest that roughly 1 in 10 marriages end in divorce at least partly due to in-law problems. When left unaddressed, ongoing criticism, disrespect, or interference from in-laws can cause partners to feel disconnected, unseen, hurt, and resentful toward each other. For many couples, the strain becomes a wedge that separates them emotionally, and sometimes physically.
When in-law relationships are consistently toxic or boundary-violating, couples must make tough decisions. If you’re facing something similar, it might help to read more about can a marriage survive infidelity, which addresses how couples can navigate deep relational ruptures and rebuild.
How To Deal With In-Laws In Marriage
Set Boundaries Early
Let your in-laws know where your limits are, kindly but firmly. This might include how often you see each other, topics that are off-limits, or how involved they are in your parenting decisions. The earlier you establish boundaries (this book has some great strategies!), the less room there is for confusion or breeches of those requests.
Present A United Front
It’s crucial that your partner backs you up. Even if they don’t fully agree with your discomfort, solidarity matters. In-laws respond differently when they sense both partners are on the same page. This doesn’t mean turning against their family- it means protecting the marriage.
Avoid Triangulation
Don’t use your partner as a go-between. Instead, aim to speak directly and respectfully to your in-laws when possible. Likewise, don’t let your in-laws speak poorly about your partner to you. It puts you in the middle and can erode respect. To the extent you can prevent it, do not let others come between you and your partner.
Limit Exposure When Needed
If your in-laws repeatedly ignore boundaries or cause distress, you are allowed to reduce contact. This might mean shorter visits, fewer shared holidays, or phone calls instead of in-person time. Protecting your peace- and your marriage- is not the same as being disrespectful.
Prioritize Your Relationship
Nurture your connection so it can weather external stress. Regular check-ins, shared rituals, and vulnerability can go a long way in restoring closeness in your marriage. When the relationship is strong internally, it’s less threatened by outside opinions and stress.
Consider Attending Therapy
When you attend together as a couple, marriage therapy can help you clarify your boundaries, strengthen your communication, and process feelings around loyalty and disappointment. A skilled therapist can also support you in building the courage to make changes that protect your emotional health and the health of your marriage.
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