Grief is a natural part of the human experience. Unfortunately, at some point, we all face significant loss. Grief refers to the feelings of pain and anguish associated with coping with such a loss.
Whether it’s the death of a loved one, loss of a job, a dream, or a relationship, grief can change the way we feel, think, and connect with others. When someone close to you is grieving, it can be hard to know how to help and what to say.
While we cannot undo the losses our loved ones experience, we can offer crucial support through painful times. Yet, it’s normal to feel unsure about how to help or what to say.
Importantly, grieving people don’t need us to fix anything or pretend their loss is not painful. Instead, they need to feel less alone. And while there’s no perfect thing to say (so take the pressure off!) there are ways to speak with careful consideration and presence. So today, I’m sharing what to say to someone in grief as well as some statements to avoid.
What To Say To Someone In Grief
I’m Here And I Care About You
Sometimes the most simple and straight-forward messages are the most powerful. Letting your grieving friend or loved one know you are present and steady while they are suffering in pain is more comforting than trying to find the perfect words.
Everyone processes differently. Some people want to express themselves, and others need time alone. Even if they do not want a long phone call or deep conversation, it will be meaningful for them to know they are not alone.
This Must Be So Hard
When someone is grieving the loss of a loved one, their pain may feel devastating and unbearable. Naming that pain can bring relief and validate their experience.
Remember, you’re not trying to take away their pain or make it better. Instead, you’re simply making space for it. Simple statements like this show your the grieving one that their pain is not too much to you and that they can rely on you if needed.
Can I share a favorite memory of them with you?
Many grieving people long to hear memories of the person they’ve lost. Sharing memories of a story or a moment especially one full of warmth or humor can help your grieving friend feel connected.
Memories allow them to feel connected to the person they lost. They can also serve as a remember of the meaning and impact of the person’s life on you, them, and the world.
I’m Thinking Of You
Messages over text, notes, or quick reminders in-person go far. They tell the grieving person they are remembered, even if their world feels quiet and empty.
Consider that those experiencing grief may feel support directly following the loss, while support fades over time even if grief remains. Reaching out on anniversaries and other reminders can let your loved one know that they continue to be on your mind.
I’m bringing you dinner / walking your dog / picking up groceries
Grief can make everyday tasks feel impossible. Offering specific, tangible support gives the grieving person one less thing to carry.
Don’t say “let me know if you need anything.” They probably won’t take you up on it, and you’ve actually just given them a decision-making task instead of taking one off their plate. Instead, look around at what they need and show up for them.
What Not To Say To Someone In Grief
Everything happens for a reason
Even if it comes from a place of trying to comfort, this phrase feels dismissive and invalidating. Rather than trying to make sense of or explain their hurt and loss, simply be present with them.
They Are In A Better Place
Again, even if your grieving friend shares this belief, saying it too soon can feel like minimizing their loss. Even if they believe this is true, that does not necessarily make their pain go away, yet you are suggesting that it should. Let them grieve before offering peace.
At least they lived a long life
This phrase often tries to highlight the good. But can’t be countered by looking at the bright side- it must be felt. A long life still ends in heartbreak.
I know exactly how you feel
No one grieves in the same way. Sharing your story could be comforting if they would like to hear it. Yet, in the early stages of grief recovery, they need space for their pain, not yours.
You need to be strong
Grief is not a test of strength. Telling someone to “stay strong” can make them feel they can’t fall apart and experience the natural range of emotions. Falling apart is sometimes how healing begins.
Grief has no timeline. The grieving person may be in pain for a long time. They may cycle through the stages of grief many times. And you don’t need to rush them through it.
What matters most is your presence. A kind phone call. A warm meal. A shared memory. Your willingness to be with them, rather than trying to deny or fix their pain, can mean the world when someone is grieving.
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