You don’t have to come from an abusive, neglectful, or trauma-filled background to display insecure attachment style tendencies.
As a relational and systemic therapist, I work with almost every single client on early attachment formation: What did you learn in your earliest relationships about communication, bonding, and conflict? How are those early patterns still playing out in ways that no longer serve you?
Often, I see confusion and even resistance from clients when I enter this line of questioning, and rightly so. You may find yourself thinking, “I love my parents. It doesn’t make sense that all the struggles I am having now are their fault. They did the best they could“.
And this is true! Even in loving homes, the dynamics at play can shape how we learn to connect and communicate with others. These dynamics can show up unexpectedly in adult relationships.
So today, I’m going to share a few examples of ways that unhelpful patterns may have been formed- even if you felt solidly supported by your parents.
How Insecure Attachment Style Forms
So much of the literature in attachment styles explain that insecure styles (e.g., anxious attachment and avoidant attachment) all tie back to ineffective parenting. Typically this parenting is described as:
- Insensitive to child’s needs
- Intrusive in rigidity or forcing interactions beyond child comfort
- Rejecting or discouraging of emotional expression
- Hostile
- Withdrawn or unavailable
Of course, these parenting patterns will likely lead to adverse impacts on the child. In these scenarios, children typically learn to suppress, numb, and deactivate their own emotions in order to deal with the experiences of rejection. (Note- these parents are often not “bad” either- they are simply doing their best with the knowledge they have.)
Yet, insecure- anxious or avoidant- tendencies may also form in less hostile situations. Insecure attachment styles do not automatically mean that you had “bad” parents.
Here are some examples of scenarios that may lead to insecure attachment styles, even with the best efforts from the parents.
Busy and Important Jobs
Your parents worked demanding jobs, and you didn’t want to add to their stress, so you learned to keep your feelings to yourself.
You learned not to “burden” others with your thoughts, emotions, struggles, and needs. I recorded an example of this dynamic playing out in a television episode in this video.
Frequent Moves
Moving often (military, job transfers, divorce) made it hard to feel secure in relationships.
This instability lead to difficulty trusting that people will stay. Better to avoid closeness than to find it and lose it.
Encouraged Independence
Your parents praised you for being “so mature” or handling things on your own.
As such, you learned to suppress your needs and be “good” rather than ask for help.
Family Health Struggles
A sibling or parent had a chronic illness, emotional challenge, or learning struggle. Your parents needed to attend to them and you didn’t want to add to the burden.
So, you pushed your own emotions aside for the good of the greater family.
Culture
You grew up in a family or culture that valued strength and achievement over emotional expression.
These cultural impacts can make vulnerability feel uncomfortable or taboo.
Adult and Formative Relationships
Even if you grew up with secure attachment, experiencing betrayal, neglect, or emotional unavailability in an adult relationship.
These relationships can lead to insecure attachment style in future relationships as a way to protect yourself from future pain.
Attachment Therapy
As you can see, insecure attachment can form in lots of different ways. And attachment styles are not who you are; they are simply patterns of behavior that can be changed.
Noticing that you have some anxious or avoidant tendencies does not mean that you had “bad” parents. It just means you’ve had experiences that taught you that you needed ways to deal with loss or conflict.
If you struggle with insecure attachment and feel you could benefit from support, anxious and avoidant attachment therapy can guide you in shifting outdated patterns.
Reading about these dynamics in books about attachment theory can also shed light onto the key experiences you’ve had that lead to attachment styles.
Join Our Mailing List
Periodic updates on mental health + relationships, delivered to your inbox ↓
Comments +