Attachment styles are not personality types. Instead, they are strategies to deal with stress or threats, especially in relationships.
In close relationships, disconnection from a partner can feel scary. It can even feel like a threat to the relationship itself. Small moments of miscommunication, like forgetting to text before going to a work event, can leave partners feeling like they are uncared for an not thought about.
While relationships can feel complex and messy, we really only have a few options when it comes to managing relationship stress. These moves are patterns that form an attachment style. We can move toward it (anxious attachment style) or away from it (avoidant attachment style).
Understanding which attachment style you have can help find ways to deal with the issues that come with it. So today, we’re going to talk about the avoidant attachment style and what to expect from avoidant attachment therapy.
Avoidant Attachment Therapy
Attachment theory (or attachment science- there is plenty of research to back up the theory!) was developed by John Bolwby and Mary Ainsworth. The model was developed to explore parent-child relationship distress. However, the findings also apply to adult-romantic relationships.
Attachment styles help us to understand why we do what we do in the face of distress. Learning about your own can shed light onto your own tendencies so that you can decidedly create new patterns.
In this post, we are going to talk more about the avoidant side of the attachment spectrum. Plus, we’ll cover how avoidant attachment therapy can support moving to a secure attachment. (This book covers attachment styles in adult relationships in detail!)
What Is Avoidant Attachment Style?
Avoidant attachment style is deactivating strategy to deal with stress. When a partner with avoidant attachment style notices a threat, they typically respond by dismissing the threat with the other person. Likewise, they may numb discomfort of stress in their own body.
Typically, we learn these strategies at a very young age. Our childhood family systems teach us (usually implicitly) which ways work to maintain safety and get needs met.
Then, if we do not become aware of these patterns, we repeat them in adult relationships.
What Causes Avoidant Attachment?
Processing emotions and reaching for comfort is a skill that needs to be taught and modeled in childhood. Otherwise, we will not know how to do it in close relationships as adults.
Those with avoidant attachment may relate to early experiences including:
Unresponsive Caregivers
If a child reaches for their caregiver (e.g., by crying, physically reaching, etc.) and cannot access them, they learn the caregiver is unresponsive.
The child learns that reaching out for comfort does not end in a successful outcome. Therefore, they stop reaching out to others for comfort all together. They may even try to silence their emotional discomfort in themselves.
Emphasis on Independence
Children who learn at a young age to take care of themselves or other siblings (i.e., “parentified” children) may not have learned how to get the comfort they need. The focus is only on independence and self sufficiency.
Instead, they learn to care for others and put others’ emotions first, missing a critical component of their own emotional development.
Dismissal of Emotions
Many children are dismissed or shut down when they express emotions (e.g., “figure it out for yourself” ; “be a big kid, stop crying”).
When children hear such messages, they do not learn to regulate their emotions. Instead, they learn that their emotions are “bad” or wrong. They learn that they should not share these experiences with others.
Competing Family Priorities
Families that are dealing with other trauma, mental health issues, or stressors may have limited ability to nurture their children in the way that is needed.
In these scenarios, children may decide not to express themselves because they do not want to burden parent or family with their needs.
Rejection
Rejection comes in many forms. When a child learns that being authentic and sharing emotions leads to parents becoming annoyed or frustrated, they will feel rejected.
This rejection leads to feelings of shame. Shame makes us feel like there is something wrong with who we are and as a result, hide our emotions from others.
Children may learn that it is safer to disconnect from others than it is to open up and be met with rejection and shame.
What Does Avoidant Attachment Look Like?
Understanding the signs of avoidant attachment can help you better understand the underlying forces of relationship patterns.
Having an avoidant partner is not a bad thing; there are many strengths associated with this trait. However, using avoidant strategies in close relationships can prevent deep connection.
The strengths of avoidant attachment include:
- Deactivation of stress so they can perform under pressure
- Protect through containment and calm, preventing adding additional stress
- Prioritize protection and move away from pain
- Allows for a reset
Yet, this protective strategy comes at a price in intimate relationships. Avoidant behavior can leave partners feeling unfulfilled and distant. Some patterns of avoidant attachment style in relationships include:
- Discomfort with vulnerability or close emotional connections
- Difficulty trusting or relying on others
- Need for personal space and time to deal with emotions
- Avoid intimacy
- Shutting down, withdrawing, or checking out during high emotional intimacy or intensity
- Disconnected from their own emotional experiences
- Lack of deep and fulfilling relationships
What Is Best Therapy For Avoidant Attachment?
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is the leading model of therapy for couples. The model was developed by Dr. Sue Johnson and is based, in part, on attachment theory.
Attachment healing can occur in a couples setting or in individual therapy. Either way, the therapist helps the client to observe and shift their protective patterns so that they can experience more authentic connection with the people who matter the most to them.
Some interventions you can expect in an avoidant attachment therapy session include:
- Exploring early “attachment patterns” (I.e., relationships with caregivers and siblings)
- Current ways that the individual deals with stress and pain
- Learning to share thoughts and feelings in an honest yet compassionate way
- Creating new experiences in the session to invite them to feel their emotions and share them with the therapist, their partner, or even an imagined other
- Processing these new experiences to integrate the sense of safety in the nervous system in development of a new pattern
Because attachment styles are formed when we are so young, they can take a bit of time to untangle. Yet, with the help of a therapist, modifying to secure attachment is possible.
When Is Therapy For Avoidant Attachment Style Needed?
If you notice that you or your partner’s avoidant attachment tendencies are getting in the way of your ability to resolve conflict or to bond with each other, therapy may be helpful.
At the end of the day, emotional closeness is required- not only for a healthy relationship, but for the mental health of both individuals. A secure relationship is one where partners know how to express needs and receive comfort.
Here are some specific situations avoidant attachment therapy can help with:
- Conflict resolution: Shutting down, withdrawing, or stonewalling in the face of conflict
- Emotional intimacy: Avoiding deep emotional connection or feeling overwhelmed by intimacy
- Difficulty expressing emotions: Overuse of logic and pushing emotional and somatic data aside
- Fear of dependence: Comfort with providing surface-level reassurance, but not receiving comfort
- Fear of commitment: Ending relationships when they become emotionally intense
Therapy with a counselor specializing in attachment theory can help to unlock some of the origins of, and break free from, these patterns. In addition to avoidant attachment, therapy can also support individuals in how to heal an anxious attachment style.
Using this insight, therapy can help individuals and couples practice healthy patterns of bonding and communication. Through EFT, many couples have developed a more secure attachment style.
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