Romantic relationships offer us some of the best experiences in life. For instance, they give us a partner to face life’s challenges with, an opportunity to connect deeply with another person, and a best friend to enjoy time with.
Yet, when we have such an experience with another person and the relationship begins to crumble, we can be left feeling completely devastated. Infidelity is one of the major causes of disruption of security and trust in a relationship.
While physical infidelity is the type we normally think of, cheating comes in several forms. Emotional infidelity can cause deep pain and a trauma response in the betrayed partner, just like a physical affair can.
In fact, emotional infidelity can be even more difficult for some to recover from. The process of healing does not happen overnight and without the expression of painful emotions. As a couples therapist who has worked with couples in various life stages with these issues, I’m going share some thoughts on how to heal.
How To Heal From Emotional Infidelity
In the age of technology, the lines protecting relationships from outside influences have become increasingly blurred. Defining emotional infidelity is the first step in finding suitable ways to heal.
While we will cover definitions of emotional infidelity more broadly, these are also important conversations to have with your partner. Talking about this topic can help to ensure you have the same expectations about communications with others outside your relationship.
What Is Emotional Infidelity?
Emotional infidelity occurs when one partner develops a strong emotional connection with another individual outside the relationship. This emotional connection involves the sharing of personal and vulnerable thoughts and feelings, even sometimes about the partner. The connection creates a secrecy and can prevent the person from continuing the same emotional intimacy with their own partner.
Infidelity can start in many ways. For instance, there is a link between male depression and emotional affairs. Similarly, a emotional withdrawal in relationships can lead to cheating. Overall, dissatisfaction in a relationship without the skills to approach the partner and work through conflict can lead to looking for that satisfaction somewhere else.
Importantly, even though certain factors may lead to emotional infidelity, those factors are not an excuse. Stepping outside of the relationship, for whatever reason, is a decision. While the emotional need behind the act may be reasonable, the decision to betray one’s partner is not to be justified.
Even though emotional affairs do not always lead to physical or sexual intimacy, they still create a violation of trust. This violation is the result of sharing personal details with someone else and engaging in deception around those behaviors.
Is Emotional Infidelity Cheating?
As a therapist, I think of cheating as the violation of agreed-upon boundaries in a relationship. Emotionally cheating leads to broken trust and a loss of security and safety in the relationship.
Different couples may have different ideas about what specific acts are considered cheating or not. For instance, polyamorous couples tend to allow for communication with others, usually within certain stipulated boundaries.
Cheating acts are ones that violate these rules of protection and boundaries in the relationship, as agreed upon by the couple. As such, it tends to involve secrets and lying.
Most often, I treat emotional infidelity as an act of cheating that leads to broken trust and betrayal. These impacts take time and specific care for each partner to heal from.
What Causes Emotional Infidelity?
Again, while there are factors that can lead to emotional infidelity, engaging in these behaviors is a choice that one must take accountability for. These factors are not meant to serve as an excuse for the cheating.
- Emotional Disconnection- if partners are not feeling connected to one another, validated in their emotions, and worthy in their sense of self, they may wander and look for reassurance elsewhere
- Lack of Communication Skills- emotional disconnection is more likely to lead to infidelity if partners do not have the skills to talk to one another honestly about how they feel
- Unclear Boundaries- text messaging and social media present complications about what constitutes cheating. For instance, some partners are uncomfortable with partners “liking” posts from others. Boundaries regarding communication in these contexts should be clearly defined
- Life Stress or Transitions- large changes in life can bring about stress, depression, and anxiety. If partners do not stay connected to one another through those changes, they may seek comfort from other sources
- Avoidance- if one partner fears conflict or does not believe they will not have their needs met if they discuss their feelings with their partner, they may avoid this discomfort and engage in infidelity
How To Recover Emotional Infidelity
Emotional infidelity leads to relationship issues like broken trust and a lack of security. It also leads to individual mental health issues in the betrayed partner like depression, negative self worth, and increased anxiety. Further, the betraying partner is emotionally struggling and dealing with shame.
Recovering from an emotional affair involves healing the relationship itself as well as the individuals. Here are some steps in how to heal from emotional infidelity.
Acknowledge Impact
The first step in any change is honestly acknowledging where you are. The betraying partner should be open to answering questions the betrayed partner has about the factors of the affair.
In addition, the partner should acknowledge their actions as a violation of the boundaries of the relationship and take responsibility for their behaviors.
End The Affair
In the early stages, cut ties with the other person- if appropriate and possible- can help while rebuilding trust and safety.
If the outside relationship must continue, for instance, the relationship involved a colleague, boundaries must be set and questions about the relationship must be answered transparently.
Identify And Address Weaknesses
To feel confident that this will not happen again, partners need to understand why it happened in the first place.
Again, this is not an exercise of shifting blame. Instead, the couple should work together to understand the factors that left them vulnerable to this kind of betrayal and address those at the root.
For instance, was there emotional distance? Were partners not communicating with one another? See if you can find some of those blind spots and fill them with communication and transparency.
Build Emotional Connection
Emotional connection is both a rewarding part of a relationship and a protective factor from infidelity. The more partners feel connected, the less they need to find reassurance or validation elsewhere.
Partners can practice by making sure they are going to each other when their needs are not being met in an open and non-blaming way, instead of turning away from each other in those situations.
Redefine Boundaries
Don’t leave any room for confusion or misinterpretation. Be very clear about what your boundaries in communication with others outside the relationship involve. Define boundaries with friends, coworkers, and online social interactions to prevent blurred lines.
Learn Together
Here are some books about the dynamics of infidelity that can be helpful to read together as you learn how to heal from emotional infidelity:
Self Care
Emotional infidelity can leave partners feeling like there must be something wrong or deficient with them, for their partner to cheat. Cheating does not mean that you are not worthy of love, safety, and protection. Yet, experiences can leave us feeling that way.
Practicing self care is an important part of staying connected to your own value and self worth. While healing the relationship is crucial, the betrayed partner should make sure to care for themself through self care and emotional grounding techniques.
Attend Therapy
Couples therapy or marriage counseling is often required to give couples the structure and information needed to heal. Therapists are often trained in affair recovery protocols that guide clients in steps of communication, emotional processing, and healing.
Be Patient
This process takes time. There are no instant or quick fixes. Have patience with yourself and your partner and know that this is a journey that will involve some easier days and some more challenging ones.
Try to remember this healing journey is temporary. Do your best to stay connected on the days it gets hard- this is when your partner really needs you.
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